Dear Mother…

This is going to be one difficult letter to you… (deep breath)

Dear Mother...

 Wish I could call you  MUMMY … and really feel it deep in my heart.. But I do not really know you …I do not even know if you loved me…or remember how wonderful it felt to be held in your arms.. your voice.. your eyes.. your smile…..

I don’t even know what your likes and dislikes.. are..
Did you love me.. ?  Are you thinking of me.. ? Do you miss me…? Where you mad at me? (I was only three months old baby…when you gave me to my dads Mum…………(my  grandma)

It is strange for me to even think of you…. and actually writing to you… You would be surprised I am not the least angry with you… why should I be… you gave me the most important gift ever.. you brought me into this world…

But at the same time I do not really know who you are.. I can’t even bring myself to be mad or even  blame you…

 I can’t ask you these questions like….,  when did I start creeping, how was my first steps.. when did I get my first tooth..   You actually never encouraged me..get mad at me.. or advice me… You, weren’t there to teach me how to wear a sanitary pad…. or showed me how to carry myself like a lady..

 But wait…. Grandma was there.. yes!!  She was the first person who came to my rescue… She showed me love… For the first time.. I felt and knew how it felt to feel the heart beat of a Mother (my grandma) in my eyes I saw her as my mother.. in my soul,, she was the only Mum I knew.. I called her “Mami..”  She did sooth me when I was weary.. hush me to sleep.. She had sleepless nights when I was sick..(I use to be a very sick child)  Guess what… I was allowed to sleep so close and tight to her…  She sang for me.. carried me on her back until she could no more…she was the best.. ever….. She was always there to defend and protect me…

Most of all she always reminded me… she loves me…. I knew it,… I felt it … her gestures.. was so right to make me know she loves me endlessly…and unconditionally

Many knew grandma was my Mum.. she thought me how to sew my first little dress for my doll,  how to cook, and clean the place.. my first baking was a fiasco… now.. im a profi..!!

Never mind Mother.. I grew up being a strong lady.. mastering many challenges… seen many beautiful things, travel the world.. met wonderful souls… found friends.. as well as pains and disappointments… trust me… in the midst of all these… im sorry to say I never missed you… I grew to learn to cope with what so ever came my way, with no buts… and ifs

Oh not forgetting aunty Joe.. she played a big role in my upbringing.. She helped mold me the woman I am today……

I got three wonderful kids.. Xaver, Malaika and Franz…I am trying to do my best to bring them up, .. be there for them.. so long as life permits me to…

How often have they asked me about who my real Mother  is/was.. I tried to gather the pieces to tell them who you are.. but I found none.. to describe who you are…

 In my heart, I want to belive that, you did not dislike me.. but that you gave me to my grandma out of care.. I won’t ask you why… I won’t bother you.. I will for ever respect your wish…

Our paths may never cross again… you may not see your grand children…  but whatever the case… Know that I do respect you…! (I wish i could bring myself to say I love you..!!) Strange..

Thanks for bringing me into this world…

Maureen….

“…. The most say,  I am a good, loving and caring woman… Yes I am…!!!”

Dear Mother...

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29 thoughts on “Dear Mother…

  1. Thanks for making me cry this evening. I am a witness of how much u tried, but somethings are not meant to be….The good thing here is as a mother, u know what not be.

    • B-SS… tears are meant to flow.. let them flow.. i know you feel it… for you are in the same boat.. You and i know that love is the simplest thing to share.. but at times so difficult to hold on to.. or to find…..

  2. Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life, i know it comes from deep within your soul ,i am reading this as a new Mom, my newborn is just 3weeks old and it breaks my heart just imagining me not being there for him . I pray that one day you will be able to tell your Mom how much you love her.

    • Dear Constance.. im glad you share in it.. Please, i will love to tell you that women go through lots… Postnatal depression and so on… Sometimes it is easy to say, “i will be there for my kids” sometimes circumstancies make women give their children… what ever it maybe… But… i wish that every Mother gets the strength and courage to bring and love their kids.. You will be fine… Yes dear.. maybe one day.. i may.. My question is, how do you tell someone you do not know that you love them?????

  3. Wow at last Moureen u will have peace within u, for u have poured it out, all of it. I know how growing up without a mother feels like, it’s difficult to say. God will teach u how to love her, just believe.

    • Yes i did atlast Philo… yes finally…!!! It was a difficult one… i got so much to tell her… I have come to terms with all of it… I have tried to dear…. I pray God does..
      I got one question for you Philo.. How can you love someone you do not know…???
      Bless your heart.. and thanks alot

  4. This piece I so very much felt. No, I didn’t have guidance to wearing a sanitary pad, discovering tampons, what IS that bleeding? Dad threw a book my way called ‘Feminine Hygiene’. I thought ‘Why is he giving me this? Do I stink?’

    That you are now a good mother to your own, that is progress, evolution. What Adja said – some things are not meant to be; still, you couldn’t help but ask why. And I too asked ‘did Mum love me?’ I totally feel this and I hope it released you. And really, I wish your mother could come by and read it.

    Sincerest best to you.

    N’n.

    • Thats so nice of thanks alot… Really you made me smile… and yes some things are really not meant to be… I sometimes wonder if.. being who i am sort of hinder me.. i sometimes wonder why it is so hard for me to find love.. I do love without but and ifs.. and so wish i would get that too…. So i try, to give my best with my kids..

      Thanks alot…dear..bless you..

  5. Maureen I was touched by your letter, and it is clear that you want answers, but I want you to know that even though you don’t personally know your mother that everything in this letter points to the love that you have for her. When you wrote this letter you actually said, “Mum I love you” whom you don’t know, and somehow I believe by God’s grace that this letter has already reached her many times over. In fact, she has probably thought about you many times. I know that you don’t know me, but I hope this reply gives you some consolation. Yes, you have surely grown up to be a good, loving and caring woman. 1 Cor 4:8 reads, Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. You have surely told your Mum that you love her. Maureen please continue being the beautiful person that you are.

    Donna

  6. Donna thanks alot, I never knew.. i did even will find words to write to her… but as i grow older.. i start getting them… I am not mad at her.. I will be 40 this year, i have seen lots of pains and missery… and i think there must be a reason she did it.. Circumstancies may lead some women to do things…. I am a single mum myself and sometimes i am at the verge of giving up… But i turn to the Lord and beg him for Patence, love and care…
    You have consolated me alot… infact.. i cried when i read your response… cos… I sometmes find myself cought inbetween… I wish and hope love LOVES me… for i love without boundries… But i must say life has been really good to me.. REALLY…

    Thanks alot… May God bless you….
    Maureen

  7. Maureen, have you ever paused for a moment to consider the fact that your ‘Mum’ gave you to her ‘Mum’ (who is your Grandma), simply because she loved you so much that she wanted nothing but the best for you?
    Yes! She knew her Mum was the best woman in the world who could give her baby the best care, which she may not have been confident enough to give. Do you know that as a man, I feel that the best gift I will ever give my child is to give her/him the opportunity to experience the love only my mum can give?
    She had experienced love and care from her mum and felt the best gift she could give you was the opportunity to experience it first hand.
    As for not knowing your mum, I think you can get do so through inference. Place your grandma, place yourself, and look in-between – YOU WILL GET ALL THE ANSWERS YOU NEED TO GET ABOUT YOUR MUM. She is the link between you and your grandma. Since both of you are wonderful persons (from what I can deduce) she is not far from being that herself – only she is human and had her shortcomings which she was strong enough to accept.

    • Thanks alot Kingsley… I would love to let you know that, i am not the least angry with my Mother.. she did a great job. bringing me into this wonderful world… My Grandma as you said was the best person she could give me too… Really if i may say… Any woman who shared with me love, time is my Mum… Im not selfish on that… every child is my child

      Bless your heart, thanks for taking so much time in reading and replying

  8. Hi Dear Maureen, Thanks for sharing this.it has soul in it. Am happy you are not mad, but glad she gave you the chance to embrace life. It may be an inner call for answers, a search for a missing piece. What ever it is, we embrace life to make the best out of it, make it better….

    • Oh my God… thanks alot Thelma… Whatever it is .. what ever life takes me to… i am going to try and do my best… yes and make it better…Thanks for taking your precious time and reading.. Bless your heart

  9. Sounds like you had a wonderful Grandmother. You expressed your feelings nicely in this moving letter. And from reading this, you turned out to be a beautiful person and the world is much better with you in it. Keep taking good care. Sincerely, Connie

    • Connie dearest, im seeing this comment just now.. Thanks alot your comment did touch my heart.. Yes i had a wonderful Grandma.. i love her so..I will try my best to take care.. so long as i can… Bless your heart..

  10. I’m sitting here on a Saturday reading old blog posts lol.
    This one is so beautiful and heart wrenching, Maureen. I can understand a little, not having that real connection with a parent. Well, our soul always has that desire though that things could have been different with our real parents I believe.
    I really felt something else in my heart too when you said “mummy” because the one who stole my heart always called her mother that. Oh I miss her so…

    • Mitchell, matters of the heart is nothing near easy.. Until the pain decides to perish like that one day.. I hear, TIME.. heals… Sometimes the taste of certain potions never quit our minds.. our soul.. Until another fragrance is discoverd… Things will be ok ..

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